A birthday not celebrated…


“Aa’nana Pi- I can’t sleep. I think you have monsters in your house”

“Well, child- come with me. We shall find them and chase them out into the dark…”

Tip-toeing through the old cabin in the woods, peering in the closets, under beds…

“Aa’nana Pi- why are you looking under the couch?”

“Well, child- what if there is a really flat monster under there?”

“Aa’nana Pi- you are SOOOO silly. Monsters are scary. A flat monster would be funny!”

Every cupboard, every cranny checked, no monsters anywhere…

Back in bed and lots of hugs…

“Aa’nana Pi- You smell just like you! Every hug!”

“Well child, I am me , everytime…
What do I smell like?”

” You smell like roses and woodsmoke and we didn’t find any monsters’

‘Well child, now we know monsters don’t like roses and woodsmoke!
You are safe here . Sleep well little one. I love you”

” Aa’nana Pi, I love you.”

My beloved nephew was murdered Outside last May.

His murderer is in jail awaiting trial.

This person murdered two more people, just as capriciously, just as cold bloodedly, within a month of my nephew’s death. There is comfort knowing this broken person cannot visit his  harms on all around him now.

There is no comfort in realizing the day we have celebrated as the day of  welcome,  my nephew’s arrival and membership in our family, his birthday ,  comes this week.

He would have been 32.

I don’t know what to do.

There won’t be a cake or candles.

There won’t be silly songs and laughs and …

Someday, I hope we can find a way to celebrate his time with us, his all too short life with us .

But today, it’s dark and I can’t see.

Today, I just don’t know what to do.

Published in: on January 4, 2010 at 6:35 am  Comments (6)  

6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Oh Pi…so sorry for you and your family . so sorry

  2. Dear Pi – My heart goes out to you and your family. Losing any beloved person is hard, but when it is by a tragedy of this nature it must be so much more difficult to accept.

    I hope you are able to spend the day reminding yourself of the bright spots through the years before you lost him and that will be your gift to him and yourself. I have lit a candle in his memory.

    Peace to you dear lady.

  3. I have joy in my heart, which for a few days will take over from the pain of our nephew’s loss. His 15 year old son just came down for a visit, and his smile shines light everywhere around him. What a treasure that boy is, and the timing of his arrival was wonderful for me.

    Since I do not have my own children, I can not fully feel the loss in the same way as my family who have all been parents. But maybe because of that, I see hope and power in the young man whose name is very close to that of his dad’s nickname. He has a perpetual mischievous beginning to a smile in the way his mouth turns up in the corners. His eyes are truly joyful – they are open wide, sparkly and full of gifts to come. He is a really good egg.

    Sis will be spending her son’s birthday with a very dear friend of her childhood – nestled in the lovely Oregon woods and surrounded by memories much older than those of parenthood.

    Alaska Pi – hugs since I will not be there! But when I return, we can go out and do something to acknowledge this upcoming day.

    • Martha Unalaska lil sis-
      I’m just going to sit here for a bit and collect myself.
      Hug that boy and tell him Aa’nana Pi loves him.
      I will be OK.
      I’m just going to sit for a bit.

  4. Oh My!!

    I can’t tell you how the tears still come for me, thus I have a small idea of the overwhelming hurt your family’s heart must still feel, when reminded of this tragedy.

    It IS good to know that the person who brought all this hurt to your family, and others, will most likely not be able to do this again but still, oh my!!

    Know that those of us who care for all of you and are not there to comfort send many warm thoughts and hugs your direction, hoping it will ease the hurt just a little.

  5. So many of these untimely deaths all over the world. Sorry to hear about your loss and the losses of all the people who tune into your blog.

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